Patrick Lee-Shiang Yu

I think I am destined to live a lonely life. Not because of choice; although, I'm sure that there is a slight subconscious urge to live that way. It's not hard to understand, I guess. My family was never really a tight knit family that does anything together (perfect example: look how this thanksgiving turned out). So take a kid growing up in a dysfunctional family, then throw him in a town where he doesn't fit in with his own people (damn smart asians). Then let him have only 2 or 3 friends in highschool that only talk to him when they want his help in homework. That's pretty much a recipe for disaster. And that disaster is my life.

I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm sure other people's lives are more terrible than mine. However, it certainly is not one of the best.

I guess the point I'm trying to get to here is that I can't seem to find satisfaction in life. The thought and feeling of being lonely all the time is always creeping and lurking in the back of my mind. Perhaps it is one of the main reasons I can not seem to feel that my life is being lived and will be lived to the fullest. But if that's how my life is destined to be, one filled with loneliness, should I not just accept that fact? There's not point in trying to change the inevitable, is there?

I don't know why I am so afraid of being by myself. Is it because I want to know the feeling of knowing that I am on someone's mind? Or is it because I am afraid of being forgotten if I die? Whatever the reason may be, I do know that this fear is what lies at the root of most of my problems. Why else would I desire to have a girlfriend so badly if it weren't for my fear of being alone? Why else am I sitting in front of my laptop all the time, staring at the screen... hoping that someone will leave me a message on facebook, or start an IM conversation with me on AIM, or reply to my tweet? All these problems would not be there if I was comfortable with being by myself, if I enjoyed solitude.

Haha... I'm no Superman... but perhaps it's time I found my own fortress of solitude to find solace in.

I WILL succeed.

Fuck.

I'm not one to get political or ever very updated on current events, but some things that have been going on in America recently just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

What the hell is up with all these random crazy gunmen shooting up the place? I mean, Virginia Tech was shocking already, but then you follow that up with a bunch of other school shootings, a shooting at the LA Fitness, Fort Hood (and then the next day another shooting at an office complex), and who knows where the hell else people have been shot to death for no reason.

I don't know about you, but that scares me. Not only does that take away my sense of security, but it makes me a bit paranoid, as well. Who's to say that tomorrow I won't be shot while waiting in line at Wal-Mart by the next crazy guy that goes berserk with a gun? I thought I was safe in Texas, because I mean... let's be honest, people here love guns. And you don't fuck with people who love guns. But nope, Fort Hood. Fucking lunatic shoots how many people now? 30 something?

Should I be going out and buying a gun for self defense now? Because fuck, seems like security's not doing its job. Neither is the government. I'm not one to be strict on gun control, but fuck... look at Japan. Guns are outlawed. Though murders through stabbing have increased there, I'd rather have a fighting chance getting stabbed to death than having my brains blown out.

But one thing's for sure: people who are crazy and and want to shoot others are poorly educated. Poorly educated people are usually superstitious or slightly/highly religious. They probably believe that they would be punished if they take the life of others and go to hell or reincarnate as a bug or something. That's probably the only thing that's keeping me safe at night... at least, I hope. Christ, imagine what it would be like if there was no religion, a country full of aethiests, a country full of people who don't care about the consequence of taking another life and only care about the materialistic nature of the world... Shit.

I would be scared to sleep at night.

You know what? These surveys are like... the closest thing to a real conversation I've ever had in a while. I guess people don't like talking to me or care about getting to know me. If I could meet someone who is like a survey, they would most definitely be one of my best friends.




Survey Time!

We all know your name. We all know your birthday, what color your eyes are, what your favorite food is. I’m not going to ask those dumb questions. Instead…

Any names your parents were thinking about that you would prefer?
My parents didn't name me, actually. My mom asked a nurse what a good name would be, and she said Patrick was a good one... and that's how I ended up with my name.

If you had to pick one outfit that you currently own to wear for the rest of your life, what would it consist of?
Hmmm. This would be tough... because, what if it got really cold? Or really hot? I'd say I'd like to wear my pac sun hoodie and my express jeans. It's a good "in-between" outfit between the seasons, I'd say.

What do you think is going to happen to you after you die?
I'm scared to think about death.

What TV show have you seen every episode of?
House MD and LOST

What movie can you quote every line to?
Ummmmmm... there was one movie where I could do that... I can't remember off the top of my head, though.

What bands have you seen in concert?
I've never been to a concert before... : [   I'm hoping I can go to a Jesse McCartney one sometime soon, though.

What bands would you like to see in concert?
Oh, lol, just answered that.

If you had the money to retire anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Somewhere near the ocean. Probably on an exotic island somewhere.

Is there a piece of jewelry or something similar that if you lost, you would feel naked?
If I lost my glasses, I would feel blind. Or my clothes... if I lost those, I'd definitely feel naked.

What is one thing [appearance-wise or other] you would change about yourself?
I know it's part of me, and it's stupid to want to change how I look... but if I could get rid of my acne, buff up a bit, and have my nose be a little sharper, that would be great.

One thing you would change about your best friend?
I wish she would pick up the phone...... haha...

Everyone remembers their first birthday party that involved friends. Describe yours.
Can't remember it very well... I just know I got a power ranger super soaker.

What do you think is the perfect age and why?
20. Just old enough to understand the world, and young enough to break most of the rules.

If you could go back in time and change your first kiss, would you?
Oh god, yes, I would. I really did not enjoy it at all.

How many times have you said “I love you” to someone of the opposite sex [romantically] and meant it?
0.

How many times have you said it and not meant it?
0.

Which member of your family has the biggest influence on your life?
I can't say my dad... and I can't say my mom.... so... I'd say that I'd influence myself the most. Sounds arrogant, but I don't see my parents as role models at all.

If you won a $1,000 shopping spree to one store, what store would you want it to be?
Armani Exchange! Their clothes are so sexy.

Which is your favorite comic book movie [The Hulk, Spiderman, Ironman, etc]?
I want to say Superman, but that movie sucked balls. Probably Spiderman II.

What do you think this phrase means: “I am drearily bloodletting this bedwetting cosmonaut”?
I think it means you drank to much and need to lay down for a moment.

If you could go back in time and relive one memory – relive it, not change it – what memory would it be?
My time at Pho Duy in Colorado.

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
Don't remember... plenty of scars, though.

Who taught you?
My dad. He just pushed me and I had to go from there or else I'd fall and scrape myself on the concrete... hence the scars.

When you go to the movies, do you like to get candy or popcorn?
I used to... but movie theater concessions aren't as they used to be.

Describe the first real party you ever went to [i.e. first party with alcohol].
It was a frat party my freshman year of college. I went thinking that it was going to be a party like in all those movies I've seen, where guys were stupid drunk and girls were easy as college arithmatic... but that was not the case. I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces and beer that I could not drink legaly. Needless to say, it was boring and not fun at all.

If you’ve never been to one, explain why not.
-

Did/do you like high school? Why or why not?
No. I did not like high school one bit. I was antisocial and shy. I had almost no friends and I never hung out with anyone. I would go to school during the day and then go home and log on to an online game called Ragnarok, where I would level up a tiny 2-D character and go on quests with friends I made online. They were the closest friends I ever had during high school.... it's sad.

Do you have ONE best friend, who stands out among all the others, that’s been there for you seemingly forever?
I've known Meagan for almost 8 years now, I think... it's been quite a while.

If so, who is it?
Just answered that, dude.

If not, do you prefer having just a group of good friends, or would you like to have that one best friend?
is it selfish to ask for both?

Do you prefer the sound of electric, acoustic, or steel guitar?
Acoustic.

Have you ever read the Bible – even just a little part of it?
Yeah.. I used to go to Bible school as a kid. I was even part of the Awana club... some kind of boy-scouts thing for kids... except you tie knots with Jesus, not rope.

Have you ever read the Koran?
Probably not. I've read exerpts of it in literature and religion class... but that's probably all I'll ever read.

What was the best pet you’ve ever had?
Never had a pet.

Out of all the states you’ve visited/lived in, which is your favorite?
Colorado!

Do you enjoy jigsaw puzzles?
Only when I have lots of time on my hands.

If you were allowed one murder without punishment, would you do it?
Hmmmmmm.... depends how much I hate that person, what they did, and why they deserve it. Even then, I'd rather beat the crap out of them... not murder them.

Where do you keep your wallet when you’re out and about?
Right ass-pocket.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
No... but I think I'm starting to see things every now and then.

What’s the best Christmas present you ever received?
Can't really recall a Christmas present I honestly 100% loved. I mean, I love the holiday season, but I just can't remember a christmas gift that I would consider "the best".

Which of your birthdays was the most memorable?
my 16 and 21st birthday. on my 16th birthday, I bought myself a sonic burger and stuck a candle in it... and on my 21st birthday, I had a physics test to study for...

Name one song you can play on an instrument – any instrument.
I used to play Sonata No.6 on piano... not so sure about that anymore.

Who taught you to play that song?
My piano teacher.

Out of all the teachers you’ve had, who had the biggest influence on you?
I'd hate to say this... but probably Dr. Dini.

Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?
Back in China... way back when.

How about a moped?
Oh wait... maybe it was a moped.

When you were little, what was your favorite Disney movie?
Beauty and the beast.

What’s your favorite Disney movie now?
Was wall-e part of disney? or solely pixar?

On the opposite sex, do you prefer muscles, average size, or scrawny bodies?
Girls with muscles? that sounds gross. I like the average body with boobs and butt... I'm not picky, because I'm kinda fucking hideous... so...

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received from a significant other?
I'm not sure about significant other... but I still have that Spoon keychain with shrimp fried rice on it, amy!

What’s your favorite kind of chips?
Probably Sun Chips or those Jalepeno chips

That you know of, do you have any famous ancestors?
Yeah.. I think his name was ching chang gook... or was it gook wang fang?

Did you ever beg your parents for a pony?
What the hell?

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf.

Is there someone you’ve been enemies with since you were little, and it’s never changed despite growing up and becoming more mature?
Nah.. not anymore. I'm not one to hold grudges for that long.

What laundry soap do you think smells the best?
I use the cheapest laundry soap... so that's the only smell i'm familiar with.

Do you prefer Spongebob or Patrick?
Who do you think?

If you’re currently dating someone, would you be ready to elope with them right now if they asked?
: [

If you’re not dating someone, can you think of one person that you would elope with right now if they asked?
Hahaha.... hmmm... yeah, I think so.

Who do you think is the hottest actor/actress in Hollywood right now?
no, it is not megan fox. There are tons of hotter actresses out there.

Do you watch The Office?
No, I don't. I don't see why people like it so much.

If you don’t, have you at least seen one episode?
Yeah, watched the first episode.. it was boring.

If you haven’t, are you aware that you should be brutally punished?
Shut up, dude.

Have you ever written a song or a poem?
I used to write poems all the time... i was pretty good at it back then, too.

If you have, have you ever written a song or a poem for someone?
Yeah... hahaha.... oh those AOL poems I'd write... make them girls swoon.

Last but not least, type some funny or inspiring lyrics as a closing

Some one is gonna die when they listen to me. d-d-d-die. d-d-d-d-die!
 

I'm kinda tipsy... and drinking and studying is not a good idea... so I'm going to do this survey instead. It's called total honesty survey - no lying.

From now on, you can’t tell lies, are you ready?
Oh, I'm ready, baby.

Think back eight months ago, were you single?
Yes I was... Oh yes I was.

What do you carry with you at all times?
My cellphone, my wallet, my keys... and shamefully, a pencil and a highlighter.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged?
Meagan.

How are you feeling?
Depressed, Stressed, Lonely, Tipsy.

Is something wrong right now?
Yeah, the world. But personally, everything is wrong with me.... but the facts in my microbiology textbook are not wrong... actually, I take that back. I found a typo and a few scientific errors in this book. Am I a nerd or what?

Are you mad at someone?
Kind of. I'm more irritated and... alright, I guess I'm mad at them.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Just a tad bit. A wink of an eye. A long blink.
 

Are you jealous of someone right now?
I'm jealous of a lot of people. How can they seem so happy and make it look so easy???

Do you have a piggy bank that’s actually shaped like a pig?
No. What the fuck am I, 4 years old?

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
Beer.
 

What are you suppose to be doing right now?
I'm supposed to be reading 500 pages of microbiology....

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
No. That's kind of hard. Have you tried it before? It's ridiculously hard, actually.

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
I've never been in a realtionship, but probably not.

Could you cry right now?
No... Crying is hard for me to do for some reason.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
No!

Are you okay with the life you live?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Did you enjoy your day today?
NOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have a Tattoo?
AAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

What was the last thing you spent money for?
I believe it was for a Mr. Goodbar and a bottle of Vitamin Water.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
I.... don't remember..... Not because I talk to a lot of people... it's because no one really ever calls me.... : [




Wow... that was a short quiz. I might take another one.
 

can't seem to sleep... so naturally, I would fill one of these out, huh?


1) What’s the full name on your birth certificate?
Patrick Lee-Shiang Yu

2) When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
Hmm... I don't think anyone has ever called me beautiful

3) Suppose you see your boyfriend kissing another girl, what would you do?
Wow, Shion, I would kill you.

4) Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
It's right next to me.

5) Look at your recent calls, who was your last call from?
Shion. You know, since we're together and all.

6) What is bothering you right now?
Not being able to go to sleep even though I've been trying for hours now.

7) Was New Years enjoyable?
Man, that was a long time ago, but hell yeah, that was amazing.

8) Who was the last person to play with your hair?
Hmmm. I don't remember. People always comment on how straight it is, though... no clue why... aren't all asian's hair pretty straight?

9) I’ll bet you miss someone right now?
I thought I did... but I think i'm just being depressed.

10) What does your last received text message say?
"truth"

11) Are you high?
No... kind of wish I was.

12) What is your favorite color(s)?
Blue, white, black

13) Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
I've kind of just been watching movies by myself at home.

14) When was the last time you got a back massage?
About a year ago.

15) Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
Depends on the horror film. Paranormal Activity not so much. [Rec], holy god.

16) If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it ?
I'd probably blow it on food.

17) If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
I would try to kill it, because there's no way I'm sleeping with a fucking spider in my room.

18) What are you doing this weekend?
Studying my ass off, probably.

19) Last place you went out to eat?
Yesterday. Seoul.

20) Where are you right now?
In my room.

21) Are you listening to music right now?
Yes. Science for girls. Makes me pretty mellow.

22) Do you have any enemies?
Probably.

23) What are you doing?
Filling out this survey. Drinking beer.

24) What does your tenth text say?
I'd rather not say.


25) Hows the weather today?
Shitty.

26) When was the last time you were truly,completely happy with your life?
Probably at Shops at Legacy eating pachiugo with my sister while watching the colorful fountains.

27) What are you thinking about?
why my life sucks so much.

28) When was the last time you intentionally made someone cry?
Well.. apparently last night? Ying was crying for fucking ever over nothing.

29) Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
Wow... probably not. Unless I'm a lot older now and my views change.

30) What are you doing tomorrow?
Studying, most likely.

31) What are you doing tonight?
Hopefully going to sleep soon! Fuck!

32) Could you date someone taller then you?
It would make me feel uncomfortable, but love knows no boundaries... or heights.

34) Where was your default picture taken?
Facebook picture? At the Library.

36) What is your current mood?
Depressed...........

38) What sport do you enjoy watching?
It used to be football until Tech sucked absolute donkey balls.

39) Ever had a near death experience?
No... closest I've ever come to death was hitting a fucking parked car.

40) What was the highlight of your week?
Um.... really can't think of it off the top of my head. Last week was fucking shitty as hell.

41) Are you happy right now?
No. Absolutely not.

42) Whats the last thing someone said to you?
"I have to work on my lab report. I'll talk to you later"

43) Where is your phone?
Right next to me.

45) Have you ever been given an engagement ring?
No. I have not.

46) When is your birthday?
June 23, 1988

47) How do you feel about your hair right now?
It's really really long.

48) What do you miss most about the past?
Playgrounds and worry-free days. Oh, and nap time.

49) Are you afraid of love?
I don't know... never been in love.

50) Do you have anyone who you consider a brother or sister but they really aren’t?
Meagan's pretty much like a sister to me.

51) How many people did you hug today?
Ying....

52) Do you like country music?
Absolutely hate it.

53) Did any of your friends go out with any of your ex’s?
Never had a girlfriend, so that is impossible, my friend.

54) Are looks important?
They are, but I really don't care.

55) Have you ever had someone sing to you?
Ummmmmmmmm. Not to me specifically. We've sang together in the car.

59) Do you believe in love?
I guess it exists somewhere.... fucking hard to find, like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

61) What would you do if someone smacked your butt?
Pretend like it didn't happen and then feel really awkward but not talk about it.

62) Is there something that has happened in your past that you really hate talking about?
Yes, there is.... oh there is indeed.

.                                                  

I think i'm having a breakdown...




....

Oh god.... I am so fucked right now....

Oh god....






Feeling the stress....

Why do I feel like I have just been driven into a corner and inevitably going to be fucked in so many ways the kama sutra would look like a child's dictionary?

I must have done this to myself....


I guess I deserve it.



























Fuck.

1. Declare my cooking class as a pass/fail course. Take 12 hours next semester, but have to make A's in all classes to retain 3.9 GPA.
2. Try to make an A in cooking. Take 12 hours next semester, allowed to make 1 B to retain 3.9 GPA.
3. Declare cooking class as a pass/fail course. Take 14 hours next semester, but allowed to make 1 B in a 3 hour course to retain 3.9 GPA.

I fear death. Who doesn't?
But recently, I have been so gripped by the fear of dying that I began to panic and wonder what I have done and what I will do with my life. Human life is such a fleeting moment in the vast history of the universe. It makes my head spin realizing how meaningless my life is compared to the life of our planet, our universe. What is the average life span of a human being now a days? 60-70 years? That is just a blink in time. Hell, i'm already 21. I'm one third dead already!

All these thoughts of death makes me look back at what I've accomplished... and frankly, I can't say that I've accomplished anything at all. It makes me frustrated thinking back on all the times I've been afraid to do things... and how I am still afraid and lack the confidence and courage to do things. Why am I so scared of facing forward and living my life? Why am I so scared of pursuing my dreams? Why do I lack the confidence to talk to so many of the girls that I thought were cute, the guys that I thought were cool? Why do I lack the courage to take the jump and ask a person out, to make friendships, to take chances?

I always dream about living life on the edge... yet, I do nothing but sit on my ass.

Am I going to die unhappy?

I'm not a religious person... I guess that kind of scares me, too. Because I am scared of what happens after death. I am scared of that eternal darkness that awaits me. And yet I cannot accept the fact that there is some entity out there that cares unconditionally for us, people of earth, where our small little planet is just a mote of dust in this vast, seemingly never ending universe. My life will pass by, with just the blink of an eye.

I want to do something with my life. I want to live. I want to explore. I want to love. I want to find all the things that I feel like are missing in my life. But there are so many big and small things that I feel are missing that I don't even know where to start. I've got these stupid obligations... to go to school, to be a responsible student, son, and friend, that I can't seem to find the time or the energy to do what I want to do.... not that I even know what I want to begin with.

Life is all so complicated and confusing. It is so scary to think of death.

I should've just been born a tree.


----

Related

I have a lot of problems, there is no doubt about that. I have this one problem that's been persisting these past few years that I have been dying to get rid of. No, it's not drugs. It's Facebook. Well, I guess it could be considered a drug at this point, considering the severity of the addiction I have for it.

It's a good thing that Facebook doesn't keep a log of how long I stay online surfing Facebook or the number of times I sign in a day. It would be quite a lot of times, seeing as how I'm on it frequently all the time.

I don't understand why I always check Facebook so much. It's not like I have a lot of status updates to share, and it's not like there's a lot of other people's news feeds to read, seeing as how I blocked a majority of people's feeds to show up on my homepage. Thus, I just end up checking the same page over and over hours on end.... It's like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something miraculous. Don't ask me what it is I'm waiting for, because I can't tell you. I just feel compelled to check at least several times an hour. Could it be that I'm waiting for someone to post on my wall? Or perhaps maybe it runs deeper. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to tell me something I want to hear... or something I don't want to hear. Maybe I'm waiting for a solution to a problem that does not have an answer. Obviously, Facebook does not harbor any solutions of any kind... other than useless applications like Mafia Wars or Farmland... thank god I haven't been entrenched in those.

No... I think I'm waiting for something more. Something of significance. Maybe it's a hidden yearning for social acceptance, to find a place, a niche in society where I belong. And obviously, facebook does not have that, either. As a result, I just end up cycling through my repetitive process of checking, re-checking, and triple checking to find something I will never find. It's gotten to the point where I get frustrated, distressed, and irritated. Feed by feed, post by post, I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. It was getting out of control.

So today I changed my password. Not just any password. It's a random 30-40 character password that I can't possibly remember. I wrote it down, typed it in, and hid the password under my bed.

Hopefully that will make me change my ways....... I doubt it, though.

Now I find myself checking Twitter a lot, though I said I was going to quit that, as well. Will I have to shut that down, too?

Will it ever end?

I know I'm trying to solve a problem with a solution that doesn't fit. Not enough... significant figures... decimal places... the units don't match up. Though, oddly enough, I think it's starting to work. I can feel productivity start to seep in. I can feel the threads that have been binding me for so long begin to loosen up just a little bit.

I can think clearly now.




Hopefully, my problem is solved.

This made my day.

Asian girls like white guys.

That is all.

I like how people come to the library to talk, not study. I like how when they talk, they talk loudly, and not whisper to be considerate to people who are studying. I like how my noise canceling headphones and/or earplugs are not adequate enough to suppress the noise that said people are making.

What the fuck is the point of a library, people?

Do you want to die?

Because I seriously want to MOTHERFUCKING CHOKE A BITCH

I feel like I'm being watched.


....

My next exam in cooking is going to cover 15 chapters? What the fuckidy-fuck-fuck-shit is that???! What's that? The test is on monday?


Oh shit.